


The Emperor's Hand

by valeriacatulli



Series: Ridiculust [5]
Category: Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, F/M, Ficlet, Force Ghost Luke Skywalker, Hand Jobs, Misunderstandings, apparent Darth Sidious/Luke Skywalker, but not actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:55:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22774507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valeriacatulli/pseuds/valeriacatulli
Summary: In which Force Ghost Luke stops by to offer the Supreme Leader some dating advice, but Kylo Ren doesn't know his EU Legends.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Mara Jade/Luke Skywalker, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Ridiculust [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550944
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	The Emperor's Hand

"You weren't kidding, were you," Kylo Ren said flatly.

The glowing blue form that had just materialized in the Supreme Leader's private cabin aboard his shuttle en route to Kijimi chuckled softly.

"Yes, I was quite serious. What was it-- _Strike me down in anger and I'll always be with you. Just like your father?_ " Luke said.

"I felt safe to ignore you, given that I've seen Han exactly zero times. Figured you meant you'd be on my conscience, and in case you haven't noticed, I haven't got one," Kylo sneered.

Luke pondered the angry young man, crossing his arms across the chest of his Jedi robes. "No conscience, just a soft spot for the ladies? You obviously couldn't kill Leia, and I'm beginning to wonder if _I'll destroy her_ meant you literally plan to murder Rey or if it's some kind of sex thing. Because you continue to do an incredibly terrible job of murdering Rey, Ben. In fact, I think you were probably moping over her when I arrived, if that necklace is anything to go by," Luke nodded at the pile of beads that lay next to Kylo.

"Would you just go the fuck away? The last thing I need is dating advice from a celibate asshole who would rather destroy his own shitty hut than let me touch Rey's fingers," Kylo seethed at his uncle. Unfortunately, his growing anger just made Luke feel like he was right about the situation.

"Wait, you thought I seriously observed the old Jedi code? No wonder all you kids were always so pissy. No way, dude, if it weren't for people breaking that stupid rule your mom and I would never have existed. I dated plenty," Luke smiled fondly.

"Kissing your own sister doesn't count."

"Seriously, Ben, I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear at the Academy. My life would have been much less fun without tantric Force sex."

The Supreme Leader grimaced. He regretted starting the hunt for the map to Luke Skywalker in the first place. His uncle was much less annoying when the galaxy was letting him be a hermit.

Luke had a reminiscing look on his face. "Hey!" he exclaimed. "Did I ever tell you about the Emperor's Hand? Probably not, I did spend a lot of time warning you all against any contact with the dark side."

Kylo Ren stared at his uncle's luminescent form in horror and disgust. "The Emperor's hand? That's...disgusting. No, you never told me, and I hope you never will or I will track down all Qui-Gon Jinn's holocrons until I can figure out how to kill your Force ghost."

"Let me tell you, kid, that was amazing sex. I used to go at it with the Emperor's Hand again and again...phew! So powerful in the Force, it was mind-exploding."

Kylo looked like he was about to explode. His face was red and blotchy and his hand twitched for his lightsaber, despite knowing it couldn't effectively harm his disgusting uncle. "You're telling me that all the stories of you going on the second Death Star and fighting Vader and Sidious and being a big hero omitted the part where _you let Palpatine jerk you off?!? Repeatedly??_ "

Luke's brow furrowed. "What? Where did that come from? That's...pretty gross to be honest. I mean, have you even seen Palpatine?"

"Yes, I had the misfortune of making his acquaintance recently and you can be sure he is not looking any better. So, yes, it is gross that you got hand jobs from the Emperor!" Kylo was basically screaming at this point. At least his staff and his Knights were used to him talking to invisible people by now.

"Ben, I have no idea what you heard that led you to believe that I let that disgusting old Sith...fondle me. Is this something Snoke told you? Did...did Snoke abuse you like that, Ben?" Luke's reached out to touch his nephew's shoulder, eyes full of concern.

"Ew, no, no no no. No. Snoke did not touch my junk. I got this gross idea from you, Luke. _I used to go at it with the Emperor's hand again and again_ was pretty clear, I thought," Kylo grimaced.

"Oh my stars, Kylo. Not the Emperor's hand literally. The Emperor's Hand was a title earned by dark side Force-sensitive assassins. Mara Jade was one of them. She was a very attractive human woman," Luke said hastily.

Kylo looked at his uncle skeptically. "Darth Sidious stroking you off might be easier to believe."

"Ben, our family is fucked up enough as it is. Do you really want to explain to your girlfriend that you prefer to believe her grandfather gave your uncle a handjob than to trust that a dark side assassin could open herself to the light side for a pair of pretty eyes?" Luke grinned, gesturing to his face.

A pair of pretty hazel eyes flashed suddenly through the Supreme Leader's mind and he sighed heavily. Better to not even acknowledge the possibility. No one ever got seduced to the light side of the Force, right? 

The idea was preposterous. When he opened his eyes, thankfully, Luke had vanished.


End file.
